#6 How you have a limited amount of hotness in your life.

As I said before, when I was a kid I was very romantic. My idea of romance was going to the mall and hang out. Maybe buy ice cream and talk.

I was so normal even I’m bored reading this.

I had a couple of boyfriends in kindergarten. Yeah, I was a socially defined “slut”.

One of the boys was Hugo. I don’t even know his last name – oh my mama would be so ashamed- he was so sweet. But I don’t remember if it was a long relationship. I do remember he wrote me a letter and he made me a flower with some crafts kit he had.

I was a very easily embarrassed kid. I could never stand it when someone said I was pretty. I went straight on purple, super embarrassed. So when Hugo gave me that flower all I did was say thanks and ran out of there. Little did I know that my “mother in law” will call my mom and tell her that his kid was crying because I was so cold.

And I was like, dafuq? This would happen to me later on in life, just 11 years later.

I was so over Hugo. I understand that I wasn’t very empathetic, but I was 4. And frankly I never got how we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I mean, kindergarten was so weird.

After Hugo, Roman came – where was I finding this kids!?. He was so tiny. I think I just liked him because someone else did.

And then, after kindergarten I almost had a boyfriend in 1st grade.

It was summer camp 1995, Andrew and I were just outside the pool area. I loved his eyes. OMG the most beautiful green you’ve ever seen. He was so nice to me, so cute. I really liked him.

But just like everything in life, I had a trouble asking for things and knowing that I deserve them.

So when he said that he wanted to be my boyfriend, I freaked out! I thought that I would never be liked by anyone, I mean he was really pretty. Like Jesse Williams or Travis Fimmel pretty.

When I said “no” he told everybody that he would never love again, that he would become this mean thing, so mean he would hate everyone- bit of a drama queen- but he kept this promise.

I mean, did I just turned this kid into a villain? Am I like Padme Amidala? Was he my Anakin?

Can you see where I had trouble, right? I spent years and years after that wondering why I didn’t have anyone special. Life gives, life takes.

Would my life had been different? Would I still be with Andrew? Maybe we’d have little-cute-amazing green eyed-babies.

I already had 3 boys on my behalf and I wasn’t even using fountain pens!

But, 3rd grade came. And with that, my first public humiliation.

Of course this has to do with a boy. But now that I come to think of it, I’ve always been in love with love, the one that TV sold me. I liked boys, they liked me back; I walk away. It was like I wanted to be alone and be in love with the impossible.

Ok, so, 3rd grade. I liked this cute boy, his name was Tomas. He had blue eyes, so apparently I like light color eyed guys. He was so nice, his brother was my brother’s classmate so we knew the other existed. And he was so nice to me. That’s the moment that I felt love in my heart.

You know, expectations on dating almost anyone are the exact same ones that a dog has for its owner. We want someone that will takes us out to enjoy ourselves, someone that loves us and tells us everything, that if we feel bad, he will take care of us; someone that even if we break something of theirs will love us unconditionally. Ok, maybe not like a dog in the sense of going out and pooping, but it’s nice to know that if we have trouble with that, they’ll be patient.

I made one mistake, only one. A mistake that will have me humiliated in front of the entire class.

Like, ok, so I wrote his name surrounded by a heart shaped blob on my textbook. Why would I do that?! We kept all of the classroom textbooks inside this giant locker on the back left side of the class.

When this other kid walks up to the locker to hand down the books, he read what I wrote out loud. I felt like Faith Hill, he was killing me softly with his words. I felt so ashamed. Tomas felt worse for some reason – I mean, you’re welcome buddy; a girl likes you, big deal. He was so embarrassed! Poor guy, he was just nice and I was in love with love.

So yeah, that’s my first ever shameful experience with love-ish.

I felt like when I was a toddler I had better luck with guys, and I wasn’t wrong! The more I got older, the more difficult it was to love someone and have that someone love me back.

If only life wasn’t like that, am I right?

After Tomas, Bon Jovi came. You know, when you are a kid you like boys because you see that girls are supposed to like boys – thank you Disney very much. But when I saw “It’s my life” for the first time, something within me changed. I was hooked. He was perfect. And we’re talking about someone 20 years older than me. I knew that he was a man, and I wouldn’t sleep until I find a man like him.

So yeah, maybe all the guys that I’ve had a crush on were somehow compared to what I thought Bon Jovi was, deep down I knew I had to find my Jon.

I’ve made a fool of myself, waiting outside school so that the guy I liked could see me, I took pictures of guys in recess, I even had people talking to them about me so I knew what they thought. I was so shy, but I had BALLS.

I mean, the moment I got over a crush, I’d tell him; like “hey man, did you know I had a crush on you before? Yeah, for like two weeks, I got over it; but lucky you huh!”.

How lame was that? But I gotta give it to myself, I had balls.

Eventually I had a crush on a guy and he had a crush on me as well, at the same time!

 

I’ll tell you later.

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